omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
tell your sister to shave her snatch
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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