I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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