I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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