Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
