my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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