Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
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you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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