we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Jerry, you need to find god
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
