I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
