i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
