I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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