Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my mouth tastes like poor choices
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
