i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I can text with my tongue
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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