tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
