I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
