I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
