im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
