Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
even my farts smell like vagina
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
