if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
