I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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