I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?