marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened