8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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