Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
