dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
