I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
