Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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