New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
