So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
