You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
