highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
