living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
