Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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