Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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