I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
