Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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