there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
