god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
