I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
