So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
