either way he was missing a nipple.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
