Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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