I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
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I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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