If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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