I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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