Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
