I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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