My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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