a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
