Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
