If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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