she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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