If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
