Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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